Being so-not-me Lately

Indeed.

I don't have words to say to myself. I don't have any excuse. My life supposed to be happy. Loving friends and family, enough money in my ATM to have fun or go somewhere, plenty and plenty of spare times to do anything I dreamed to do. I shouldn't have any reason to complain about myself.

Instead, I do.

I don't want to put my happiness in 1 poin. I don't want to dedicate my life in one person, when that person don't want me in his/her life. I don't want to laugh at one time a day, and then become a hopeless melancholic in the next hours, doing nothing but crying under the blanket. It's so not me. And I don't understand why I become a person that once I couldn't imagine being one of.

I feel so vulnerable. So pessimistic about my life. I feel like I'm a bad bad bad person. I don't have a right to be loved, I can't achieve what I should achieve, I'm taking life for granted, I just don't be thankful enough to everything in front of me.

I have lots and lots of friends telling me to cheer up. To be more optimistic in life. To say that they love me and they don't want me to suffer like this. People that telling me I deserved much much better than what I have now. People that text me every night to make sure that I am OK and I don't do anything stupid or waste my tears again. People that tell me why I care so much about someone when he doesn't even look at me? People that don't understand why can't I just let it go.

If they don't experience it themselves, they wouldn't have known.

It is easier said than done.

Now, I understand the meaning of "soulmate", and how you feel yourself is not complete anymore when you lost one. I deny this term before, and maybe giving me this experience in life, is God's way to teach me about sincerity.

Many people has gone through the worse, and I believe I could overcome this. Like one song that keep echoing in my mind whenever I have problem:

"I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again.

On my own, and I know, that I'm strong enough to mend"